...with apologies to Edgar Allan Poe
True! But why will you say that I am ranting and raving? I don't rant and rave. Hearing? I have amazing hearing. I hear everything. Sit down. I will tell you the whole story.
I have the best memory, but I don't remember when I got the idea. I have a lot of ideas, terrific ideas. That's why I won the election by the biggest margin, ever. I loved the old man. So much love. But he had this eye, a disgusting eye. [Opens his eye wide with his fingers and imitates a spasm.] "Oh, look at me, I'm so horrible!" It was like a vulture's eye, with a film over it. So like, many people were saying, you gotta do something about it.
Now this is the point. The very dishonest media say "Trump's a bad man." Bad men don't know anything. But you should have seen me. You should have seen how wisely I acted. Terrific caution. Fabulous foresight. I was never kinder to the old man So nice. And every night I checked in on him, which you won't hear from the lying media.
On the eighth night, I had my head in,, and the old man got up in bed, yelling --"Who's there?" Don't blame him. Crime is terrible there. People have to lock themselves in. We'll fix that, believe me.
I kept still and said nothing. I have terrific silence and stillness. Then I put a pillow on his head, very very gently, you know, like one of those snore strips. Just wanted him to go to sleep, so he would close that disgusting eye. And he did. As Spicer would say, plain and simple.
I knew he was okay because I could hear his heart. Did I mention that I have the best hearing? Anyway, I am the greatest real estate guy, so I knew that he would have a nice place to sleep under the floorboards. Really classy. Really clean. Like a fine-tuned machine.
Then somebody leaked. They will pay for that, by the way. Three police officers came by. I had them set down and we had a wonderful meeting. I told them that we are going to have law and order in this country and support our police, Crooked Hillary never said that, did she?
The thing about the old man was supposed to stay secret. I'm a big believer in privacy.
I showed the police officers around the place. Melania is doing a great job with the tours, by the way. But I kept hearing the old guy's heart. Now, I believe that you gotta have heart, but this was getting ridiculous.
The officers absolutely loved me. Big supporters. Then some reporters came by. Bad people, Disgusting people. They said that they heard something about the old man dying. "Fake news!" I said. The police laughed, cuffed the dishonest media, and went away. Gotta remember to comp them to a reception at Mar-A-Lago.
But I kept hearing that heartbeat. So I knew what to do. I want to get along with the Russians, not fight with them. So I called Putin and told him the story. He said, "We can make problems like that disappear." And he did. Great guy.
And I lived happily ever after.